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Sunday, April 15th 2007

6:22 PM

My Losing Bombeck Entry

 

I just learned that I didn't win the Bombeck, Writing Competition. Oh well. I knew it was a long shot anyway, the competition is crazy good.

But, since it didn't win, I can share my entry with my readers here. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Down In the Dumps-ter

I've washed the dishes, scrubbed the bathroom, vacuumed all floors with carpet and mopped the rest. The last of the dirty clothes are in the dryer and the trailer is sparkling clean. So...it must be that five bags of garbage stinking up the joint.

 

Why's it so hard to get my husband to carry off the trash? I just don't get it. He drives past a dumpster in order to get out of the park. There are two more on the road before he gets to work.

 

If I load the truck for him he just drives it around until the neighborhood cats pull the filth out into the yard. Then it becomes a reason not to cut the grass.

 

"Booney, you think you could cut the grass today?"

 

"With all that trash in the yard? You know that'll play hell with the mower blade."

 

"Then pick it up."

 

"Aww maybe tomorrow. The game's coming on."

 

"In an hour and a half."

 

"Pregame show. We're out of gas anyway. I used up the last of it on that fire ant hill."

 

"Booney, the grass is so high it's coming through the kitchen window."

 

"Close the window."

 

"I can't! We need the air in here, it stinks with all the trash in the utility room."

 

"It's all those strays under the trailer. I keep telling you we need to get a dog."

 

"No! It's the trash!"

 

"All right, all right, you win. Go ahead and load it on the truck. I'll carry it off on the way to work Monday. ...Trish? ...What's wrong? Your face is awful red."

 

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Wednesday, April 11th 2007

10:44 PM

Flea Markets

 

"Flea Market" isn't just a noun. In the trailer park it's a verb too.
 
This is a typical weekend conversation at most parks...
 
 
"Whatcha doing today, Verna?"
 
"Not sure. Might go flea marketing."
 
"Oh, I love to flea market. Mind if I tag along?"
 
"Come on. Last time I flea marketed I was by myself. It's more fun with company."
 
"Ain't that the truth?"
 
 
Trailer park dwellers love the idea of buying something for much less than it's worth. There's also something about the hunt for those rare finds.
 
Whether it's a replacement for that lost cup in your Quaker Oatmeal set, a pair of false glitter eyelashes with matching nail polish, or a vintage Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt --we love it all.
 
But you should be careful. It's very easy to get carried away and buy something you know you shouldn't.
 
It's such a good buy! Yes...you know you should at least check to see if that computer will even power up, but there's no electrical outlet, it's only $50.00, and it comes with all those cool black floppies. 
 
It can be incredibly difficult to turn down such amazing offers.
 
But with experience, you learn to barter the price down to $30.00, and even get the guy to throw in a few Intellivision games for free. And that's really great, since he's selling the system for a paltry $40.00.
 
All it needs is the power plug.
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Wednesday, April 11th 2007

12:40 AM

Eviction

 

Whether you've ever personally experienced it or not, the word "Eviction" inflicts fear on the heart of the average trailer park dweller.
 
To be thrown out on your ear is not only a humbling and embarrassing experience, it can be ruinous.
 
But it doesn't have to be, if you take the following precautions.
 
While your belongings are being tossed out onto your lawn, quickly cover them with tarps, sheets or blankets. This will not only protect it from the weather, it will also discourage your neighbors from treating your misfortune like "free day" at the flea market.
 
Take my word for it --witnessing Starlina questioning her mother over the contents of your bedside-table drawer, is something you want to avoid. Hearing the woman demand her child look for batteries, right after snatching the object from her child's hand, is enough to cause nightmares.
 
If you're unable to take all of your belongings with you immediately, sell them to the gathering audience. Trust me, the good stuff will be gone when you return anyway. You may as well get enough money for them to rent a storage unit. You will need somewhere to keep what you are able to salvage.
 
If you're lucky, a few neighbors may be able to hold an item or two, but it's best not to rely on that for very long. Trailers aren't exactly known for extra storage space...and the pawn shop down the street would be only too happy to buy your neighbor's new found clutter, the next time their rent is due.
 
If the trailer still has electricity, water or phone service, have it cut off immediately. Otherwise you will continue to be billed for it.
 
If you have no family or friends to move in with, find a spot on the lake and camp out for a while until you can get back on your feet. Be sure to stop by the library and check out a good book on foraging. Every penny saved will help, but one bad mushroom can really screw up your day. And don't forget toilet paper!
 
Just remember:
 
If you have a tent and a fishing pole you aren't homeless, you're on vacation.
 
 
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Monday, April 9th 2007

7:10 PM

Bonus Blog: Duct Tape & WD40

 

Every good trailer park dweller knows the saying,
 
"If you want it to stop moving --duct tape. If you want to make it move --WD40."
 
But duct tape & WD-40 do oh so much more than that.
 
Duct tape can be used to remove unwanted hairs from your brothers chest. This is particularly useful after he has used WD-40 to lubricate your bicycle seat, or to flavor your popcorn.
 
WD-40 is useful as a treatment for arthritis. Sprayed on the painful area, it is said to work within minutes. I'd assume that time scale is greatly influenced by how deeply you inhale and how much built in tolerance your brain has for inhalants. You may want to duct tape yourself to a chair to keep from falling off once the fumes start working.
 
Duct tape can be used to keep that pesky tube top from falling down, and can be used to hold up Junior's diaper. You can use it to remove splinters or to make a splint.
 
WD-40 will kill spiders, bees, hornets and yellow jackets, if sprayed directly on them. It's also great for shining shoes and boots.
 
Few people know of the entertainment value of duct tape. Cut into one inch squares and applied to the bottoms of a cats feet, duct tape can provide hours of fun for the whole family. Be sure to have more duct tape on hand, just in case you need it to repair anything the cat breaks during his hilarious performance.
 
If your car has seen better days, but you still want to make good money when selling it, WD-40 can be used to bring that new car shine back to the paint job. Spray it on and wipe it in. You can also use it on the tires. And don't forget to use it to remove any glue residue you left behind the last time you duct taped that crack in the window to keep out the rain.
 
Super glue can be used to "heal" the glass too, but that's for another day.
 
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Monday, April 9th 2007

7:09 PM

Drainage

 

Drainage problems are notorious in trailer parks. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why.
 
With all the beer, beans and beef jerky ingested in the community, it's a wonder there aren't more plumbing problems. Most trailers now come from the factory with smaller "water conserving" toilets. Two powerful ingredients in septic disasters.
 
Double flushes are the best you can hope for, while marathon flushing episodes are quite frequent.
 
During the warmer months the problem is exacerbated.
 
Young rutters spend hours washing vehicles on front lawns. The aim has more to do with attracting the attention of scantily clad females than actually cleaning the car. If they're able to entice said scantily clad female, it can turn into an all day event. Both of them will be soaked to the bone, but the vehicle rarely gets the dust sprayed off the roof. More often than not, the hose is dropped in the mud and forgotten when the couple gets in the car and fog up the windows.
 
To keep cool, children play with sprinklers or make homemade Slip & Slides with tarps or contractor trash bags and a garden hose. They will play until their toes are pruny or someone gets caught peeing on the plastic.
 
Retired men water pitiful lawns, with dreams of a private green to practice putting in. They've been told it's better to water in the early morning, but no "know-it-all" is going to tell them what to do. Advanced years, hearty meal and pure boredom get the better of them and they forget to turn the water off when they wake up and realize it's time to go to bed.
 
Their wives insist the trailer be power washed. The hose leaks as much on the lawn as the nozzle directs toward the home. While he's at it, she has him get both front and back decks as well.
 
All in all, summers can be very squishy in a trailer park.
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Tuesday, April 3rd 2007

11:00 PM

Chihuahuas

 

I noticed the other day that many of my neighbors own chihuahuas. It does makes sense when you think about it. Most trailers sit on tiny lots. Not much of a yard for a big dog, but just right for a chihuahua. 
 
The little rats-on-acid are actually very well suited to the lifestyle of a trailer park dweller. They will happily sit on a lap for hours and barely eat more than a few bites a day.
 
Chihuahuas are much easier to control than a larger dog too --no need for expensive behavior training. If the little snit gets uppity, you can just toss it in a shower stall and close the door. Problem solved.
 
I'll admit it, we trailer park women love to baby things. Chihuahuas are only too happy to cater to our need to coo and use baby talk, without ruining our figures or requiring school clothes and braces in a few years. They won't ever pitch a fit at Walmart because you refuse to spend 25 bucks on a pair of shorts. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.
 
But, the best thing about a chihuahua is the fact that it never needs to be walked.
 
When it has to go, you can just hold it out the window and squeeze
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Tuesday, April 3rd 2007

12:40 AM

Bologna

Bologna is a mainstay in the trailer park.
 
Whether you call it round steak, Oscar's fliers, samich fillin's or slab meat, it's all the same thing. Bologna. The cheapest form of meat that doesn't require you to carry a shovel when you go "shopping." 
 
You can still pick up enough to feed a family of four for under a buck. Fry it up and serve it with a box of mac and cheese, a salad and an apple and you have a balanced meal for an entire family for under five dollars.
 
That's a damn good thing too, because you'll need that extra money to buy the Tums.
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Monday, April 2nd 2007

3:44 PM

Attraction

 

 

What attracts a strong trailer park woman?

The easiest answer is, "whatever she attracts."

Most women want a man who is head over heels in love with her. It just makes sense to choose someone who already worships you.

It takes much less time to train a guy to kiss your butt if you start with someone one who already bumps his nose every time you stop walking.

 

What attracts a good trailer park man?

Beer, fried food -covered in either a cheese sauce or some sort of gravy, and a smiling woman, in a tight pair of jeans, to bring it to him.

If she also happens to hand him the remote control and remind him Nascar's on...he'll lose his mind.

 

Ah...True Love.

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Monday, April 2nd 2007

3:42 PM

Alphabet Game!

 

I am blogging my way through the alphabet this month. Each blog will have a one word title starting with that day's letter. I stole the idea from my friend Lisa. 
 
My first post is --Attraction, for "A."
 
I thought I'd make this really fun by asking for suggestions for the next title.
 
Right now I'm looking for "B," but if you'd like to give me ideas for several at a time that would be great too! Just leave it in your comment.
 
This should be fun.
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Monday, April 2nd 2007

3:41 PM

Playing With Tunes

 

I ran across a blog that challenged all readers to come up with jokes written with '70's and '80's song titles as the punchline. I tweaked the idea just a little and decided to write a flash full of the tune titles instead. Here's what I got, hope you like it.

 

HEARD IT IN A LOVE SONG

BABY COME BACK. I AM SO INTO YOU. You are so much MORE THAN A WOMAN it's SPOOKY. I know I said I'M NOT IN LOVE, but that was just JIVE TALKING. I'M ADDICTED TO LOVE.

AMY please, I need SEXUAL HEALING. I know I'm FLIRTING WITH DISASTER, but LET'S GET IT ON.

Ok, ok, so I'm no POETRY MAN. In fact I'm THICK AS A BRICK, but you are SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE, YOU SEXY THING.

It's as simple as ABC, CAN'T YOU SEE? THE FIRST TIME EVER I SAW YOUR FACE I knew YOU WERE MADE FOR ME.

Have some more BRANDY and RELAX. WE WANT THE FUNK, but WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN. We don't have to take a FAST CAR, let's make it a SLOW RIDE. Just feel the SUMMER BREEZE until you are COMFORTABLY NUMB. By the time we get to OUR HOUSE, we'll be ready for a WHOLE LOTTA LOVE, SWEET LOVE.

WHAT'S GOING ON? Do you have CAT SCRATCH FEVER? Stop all that KUNG FU FIGHTING. Get off the CRAZY TRAIN girl. GIVE ME ONE REASON not to send you to play SOLITAIRE again tonight.

POOR POOR PITIFUL ME, here I am trying to MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOU. DON'T DO ME LIKE THAT.

Ah hell, THE THRILL IS GONE. LET'S JUST KISS AND SAY GOODBYE.

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